Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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