omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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