I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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