I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
