So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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