This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
