she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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