my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
