so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
