Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
