Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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