At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
