ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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