I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
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