love makes seman taste better
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
