we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
