someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
