Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
