I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
