I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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