no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
