one might say we're banned from that church
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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