glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
