Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize