I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
