i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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