I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
