I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
