Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
