took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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