My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
