life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
