Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
