she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
