I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
