this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
