so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
