why didn't you poke me back
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
