no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
