i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
