watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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