Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
