I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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