Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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