yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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