They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
