we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This house was built for laser tag.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
