a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
