As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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