Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize