if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm bleeding and have questions
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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