I wish my penis had an off switch
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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