i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
