a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
