my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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