PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
