I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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