just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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