i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
